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Disclaimer: You were not
advised to do this by the Wehope & Udie
Corporation....
Remember that.
This is a delicate process.... proceed with caution.
Materials necessary:
1 glue stick
3 to 4 notepads
3 to 4 maxi-pads
1 picture of a political figure, preferabley Nixon
8 cases of dental floss
1 dead yet mildly entertaining albatross, 2 if you plan on
fucking up
3 toothbrushes, your albatross could be dirty
2 spare pairs of underwear
1 old happy meal box
1 flamethrower
1 fire extinguisher
1 gasoline-coated clown, preferabley named Pogo
2 old hippies to observe and judge your performance
Before telling you the process you are advised to first read this
story about
the last failed attempt to complete this nearly impossible
task.....
The Journals of Dr. Burt Crackattack
October 17, 1982
Dear Journal(not diary)
I have just finished listening to the BeeGees and i believe I am
ready to
attempt this nearly impossible task of flossing a dead yet mildly
entertaining albatross......
The specimen has been sitting in the icebox for days and has
shown no signs
of life since we found it... We have heard disasterous tales of
attempts
with live specimens so we are taking extreme precautions to
ensure that our
specimen is indeed dead... I had my lab partner, Ferb, test the
specimen
three times this week. Ferb is quite charming yet disturbingly
fond of
beastiality. After proceeding in intercourse with the specimen
albatross,
all tests proved negative. The specimen showed no signs of
pleasure. Either
it is in a ghastly state of shock, or it is indeed dead. Today we
begin
applications of the maxipads, toothbrushes, and the picture of
JFK. Wish us luck....
October 23, 1982
Dear Journal(Not diary)
Yes! The specimen has undergone the first phase of our operation
and after
several days rest has shown still no signs of life.... All seems
to be well. All three
toothbrushes are in place and ensuring the absence of dirt. All 4
maxipads are in place to.. do
whatever it is that they do in this procedure..... And JFK is
lodged firmly in the
specimen's anal cavity. Our resident observation hippies even
gave us a standing ovation. Tomorrow
begins Phase 2 of the operation: the application of the happy
meal box, the glue
stick, and all 8 cases of dental floss....
October 29, 1982
Dear Journal(Not diary)
Phase 2 was completed, but with much difficulty. One hippie
refused to even
give us a thumbs up. Only seven cases of dental floss were
successfully applied, but
we have heard stories of six cases being sufficient. Another
accident
occured when the JFK picture blew straight out of the specimen's
ass two days
after the Phase 2 operation... Ferb was struck by the flaming
object and had
to be treated immediately. He may have lost the use of his left
arm. This
would have been considered a sign of life... but the methane
release appears
to be a part of the decaying process. Fortunetly, application of
the happy
meal box was a complete success. It rests comfortably on the head
of the
specimen. Tonight we begin the last and most dangerous Phase of
the
experiment.... PHASE 3!!!!! The burning and extinguishing of Pogo
the
Clown..... This is supposed to be a sign to the spirit of the
dead albatross
stating that it has been flossed and must now obey the commands
of those who
have flossed it. But if the clown dies.... our lives are at
extreme risk.
November 3, 1982
Dear Journal(not diary)
Phase 3 was completed and we believed it was a success, but Pogo
the Clown
died from third-degree burns today... We did everything we could
to keep him alive....
Ferb seemed to dismiss the first-aid kit thinking that good old
pornography
would do the trick in reviving our clown... But no,... we found
out all too
late that our clown was indeed,... dickless.... Due to the
burns.... The hippies have been acting quite
strangely since the clown died... They haveve been dancing naked
around the specimen chanting,
Give us some pants... At first we thought this was their way of
saying that they wished
for a change of clothes, but they refused our offerings..... We
think they've lost it....
November 10, 1982
Dear Journal(Not diary)
We caught one of the naked hippies making a phone call today....
This could be
dangerous.... No albatross flossing is to be brought to public
attention.
If he told anyone what has happened we could be in serious
trouble.
November 13, 1982
Dear Journal(Not diary)
I am the only man left alive in this laboratory now... Ferb
eliminated the
traitor hippie with the flamethrower, and proceeded to struggle
with the other naked hippie
until they both crashed out of the window, 12 stories down onto
the pavement..... I'm
afraid to leave the laboratory, becuase it is said that the curse
of the angry dead
albatross is only active when you have left the 50 foot safezone
around the creature.
December 20, 1982
Dear Diary
After being brutally beaten by the police and incarcerated, I
have been
undergoing theeffects of the curse for several weeks now.... I
had to store you, Journal,
in my anus forall this time, because they were burning all
evidence of the experiment...
but we must let the world know.... Don't fuck with the spirit of
a dead albatross.....
Especially since we all know that clowns are fragile pieces of
shit... Now that I must suffer
daily ass-rapings and nightly attacks by spirit-form albatrosses,
i certainly advise you to
stay at home in front of the television where you can be
comfortabley brain-washed, and be
conformed to the idea that there is no such thing as the
diabolical Albatross Flossings.....
End Journal
Yes, I am sure you have guessed it right... These journal entries
were taken
from a scientist involved in the Roswell Incident..... and yes,
albatross is a
codename for
alien.....
Due to the extreme dangers involved in this experiment, I have
been denied
access to grant you permission to read the procedure.....
Good luck flossing that dead albatross, and happy hunting!